I almost lost my husband

Saturday was a normal day.  My husband and I ran errands, went looking for a farmers market to buy fresh fruit and then he made salmon on the BBQ.  He is remodeling our kitchen and prepped the ceiling to install lighting.  There was nothing unusual about our day.  I did not think that night I would be on the verge of losing the love of my life.
  We turned off the TV and got ready for bed. As we snuggled together, my husband's body suddenly jerked and he screamed. At first I thought he was having a leg cramp, but within seconds it happened again.  His body jerked upwards as if some unknown person was lifting him up off the bed and throwing him down again. He cried out and grabbed his chest.  I asked him if it was his heart and he said yes and again his body was jerked upwards and slammed back down again.  I grabbed the phone and called 911.  The operator answered after two rings but it felt like an eternity.  I told her my husband is having a heart attack and to please send an ambulance.  She asked if he was breathing and he again was jerked upwards crying out in pain. 
Three years ago, the love of my life suffered a heart attack and a defibrillator and a pacemaker.  The defibrillator monitors his heart rate and when it is beating too slow or too fast sends a electric shock to his heart muscle to try to shock it back to normal.  It will continue until his heart is beating at a normal rate.  The jerking I was heartbreakingly witnessing was 30 jules of power being sent to his heart trying to get it to stop beating so fast. 
  Still talking to the operator, I frantically helped my husband put some shorts on and then put some clothes on myself.  I found I was crying and begging the operator to please hurry and send the ambulance.  I raced to the door and unlocked it turning on the porch light.  My husband was still in so much pain.  He said it was like being kicked in the chest by a mule. 
  Finally I saw red lights and ran to the door and let the EMT's in the house.
They witnessed another shock and quickly started working on him. 
  I found myself praying and pleading with them to save my husband.  What kind of cruel joke would take the man I loved so much from me.  I bargained with God, to take me and let him live.  I had cancer God, so take me instead I cried.  A fireman asked me what medicines my husband was taking, and I ran to get the list.  They had him on the stretcher and said they were taking him to our local hospital.  They said for me to meet them there.  My husband, pulled the oxygen off his mouth and started to tell me where the hospital was.  I have lived less than a year in this town and had no idea.
The rescue squad placed the mask back on my love and told me what street the hospital was on.  I grabbed my phone, purse and keys got in my car.  As I was driving I called my step daughters who live 3 hours away and told them about their father.  I told them to stand by before starting the journey here because I did not know how severe this was.  I called my daughters who live a hour and a half away.  My oldest daughter told me to try to hold it together.  I was crying so hard.  She said my husband needed me and I had to be strong.  How does one stay strong when the love of her life was slipping away? 
  I pulled into the hospital parking lot and tried to follow the signs to the Emergency room.  I felt lost and took a wrong turn but ended up pulling in as the ambulance was arriving.  I ran to the ambulance and looked through the window.  My husbands eyes had rolled back into his head.  I watched as they cut away his shirt and put paddles on his chest.  They shocked his heart and his body convulsed.  The EMT's started to roll the gurney out of the ambulance and I tried to follow them.  They sent me to waiting room.  I did not know if my husband was alive or dead.  I was alone and pleading with the receptionist to let me go in.  She took down his information and said I would be allowed in when and if he was stable.  That phrase was the scariest thing I ever heard.  I sat down on the chair, wishing I had someone to call to come to the hospital with me.  Sadly I had not made any friends locally that I could call and family was so far away. 
  The EMT came out and said my husband's heart had entered a lethal rhythm and they were trying to stabilize him...
I did not know if my husband was dead or alive...again I began to pray and bargain with God....My husband was floating between heaven and earth.

Cancer, life and love

  My cancer battle has been tough.  Being sick everyday has left me exhausted and feeling lonely.  My hubby works long hours, and since I have moved an hour and a half from my friends my life consists of painting, sleeping with the company of two cats.   This treatment is different then my last chemo battle.  The side effects lasts weeks and just when I start to feel normal I get another infusion.  On some days I wonder what it would be like to just have no to treatment.  Depression has entered my life even though I do have the best husband who tries so hard to make me happy, it just feels hopeless when I am housebound with no one to talk to.  I went to the grocery store yesterday, I was so tired and sick when I returned that I had to take a handful of pills and I went to sleep.  When CJP came home, he fixed dinner which made feel guilty that he worked all day and then came home to cook.  He doesn't complain, he is supportive and loving.  I just feel he got short changed with me.  We have not been married a year and he is stuck with a wife that is fighting for her life.  
As I write this, tears stream down my face...life is kind of sucks right now

Photos

Chemo, love and pain

  I just finished my second Chemo cycle. My schedule is that I go every 28 days for 2 days.  This time they left the IV in and I went home only to return the next day so they didn't have to poke me twice.  It was odd and hurt to have it in.  Showering was a challenge because I could not get it wet and using my left hand when I am right handed was hard.  Yesterday was a sickness day.  It is hard to describe the funk you feel with all these chemicals running through your body.  It is like having the worst flu.  Nothing tastes good but you have a thirst that is crazy.
  My love has been so good thru all this.  Doing so much, with a smile on his face.  Yesterday he came home from work with a beautiful flower arrangement and a card that was so sweet. I am blessed to have him.  I don't like seeing the worry in his eyes and wish I could assure him that we have nothing to worry about. I am a fighter and I know I will get thru this cancer.   God finally gave me a love and it would be cruel to take it away.
  I have been feeling lonely lately.  I live farther away from family and friends now.  I miss the quick lunches and visits.  It is harder to start over making friends in a new town, especially now that I am sick.  I spend my days alone, with the cats as companions.  I paint, read, look at Facebook to see what my friends are up to... It is a sad life right now.  I could use some help with things but everyone is so far away, and I can't ask them.  I hate putting more burden on CJP, so I try my best to do things on my own.  This is the time I miss my friends..
  It is hard being friends with someone who is sick.  Most people don't know what to do or say.  If you have a friend who is sick, reach out and ask what you can do.  Share a pint of ice cream, make a phone call.  Little things mean a lot when you are sick.  Knowing someone cares is tremendous.

Good Friday and Happy Easter

  Happy Easter! Celebrating two days of feeling normal.  No chemo sickness two days in a row.  The other day I had the pleasure of dying eggs with my grandkids.  A one year old and a 3 year old.  I think I had as much fun as they did watching the white eggs being turned into brightly colored Easter treasures.  The three year talking how she was helping the Easter bunny by getting his eggs ready for him, was the medicine I needed.  I came home afterwards exhausted, but so happy to have made a memory with them.
  Yesterday, I made a Youtube video using the music of Mandisa.  Her song Stronger is inspirational. I used pictures that I had taken on my honeymoon and a couple wedding pictures.  It was fun creating in a different medium.  I have tried to paint lately, but since my thoughts and emotions have not been in a great place, it has been hard to be focused.  Hopefully I will get my motivation back soon and paint something I want to show soon. 
I wish you a Happy Easter...and thank you for being on this journey with me.

The Joys of Chemo

  I started chemo a few weeks ago.  CJP insisted on being there with me.  It is bittersweet to have the joy of spending the day with your husband, but you are hooked up to an IV instead of a nice dinner date. 
  I have done chemo before and expected it to be the same.  This time there are new drugs available therefore my doctor prescribed a chemo drug that is given over two days every 28 days.  The Oncologist said it would easier and less harsh.  He lied.
  The first morning of Chemo we got up early and I pulled out my lunch box.  CJP asked what I was doing.  I told him, I would pack lunch for him and snacks for me because it would be a long day.  He said he didn't think he could eat but to pack for me.  We drove to the hospital and were the first people at the infusion center.  I was greeted like an old friend by the nurses.  All greeted me warmly but said they were sorry to see me back.  I felt the same way.
  Christine was my nurse and started looking for a vein to use for the day.  I had been sick to my stomach and not had much to drink or eat the days prior so it was not easy.  She remarked I had a lot of scar tissue on my arms from previous chemo infusions.   Finally she found a vein and saline and a bag of Benedryl was started to counter any side effects. This started at 9am.  Soon the toxic drugs are hung.  I am feeling sleepy and cold.  I fall asleep only to be awoken by ears itching and the feeling that my throat is itchy and closing.  I am having an allergic reaction to one of the drugs.   I struggle to tell the nurse.  Then it was like the nurses went into hyper mode.  Each hurrying to respond with steroids and other drugs to stop the reaction.
Chemo is stopped and until I am feeling better I am monitored every 5 minutes until they feel it is safe to restart chemo.  It is started again more slowly and they are checking on me more frequently.  So many people come and go from the infusion center.  Each seeking treatment for their own cancer battle.  There are 20 chairs in this room and 10 in the other room.  All day long they are filled and at one point people wait for a chair to get their infusion.
  At 5pm I am just finishing up.  CJP looks tired and weary.  He gently loads me in the truck and we come home.  The next day we go back again for another infusion.  It is faster and I think wow this is easy.   I spoke too soon.  Nausea, headaches and pain is so bad I can not believe this was supposed to be better than previous chemo drugs.
Day after day I don't feel better and at one point tell CJP that I don't want to do this again, even though I have to do 5 more treatments.  He says I can do this...I want to believe but the pain is so bad.
CJP takes an early morning trip back to the hospital for drugs to ease my pain.  He is being so supportive and loving.   I feel bad for being a baby about the chemo.
  It is now 14 days since treatment.  Some days are better than others.
Cancer sucks.  Someone told me that it is going to get harder before it gets easier, I just have to make it through the hard part.  I pray that this is true.

  Today I saw a story on TV about a lady who had cancer that made a bucket list but called it a fun list.  It was a copulation of things she wanted to do with her family to create memories....  I think I want a fun list... That will be my next project.

Life as it is now

  When I started this blog, I was rentering the dating world.  The blog was my online diary of me learning how to date and I was hoping to find a friend.  I did not imagine that I would find the love of my life.  My Cracker Jack Prize man is now my husband.
So much has happened since I last posted so I will catch you up.
  I started dating exclusively the man I referred to as my Cracker Jack Prize.  he became my best friend, soul mate and love.  If you had asked me if when I started dating that I would find the perfect man for me I would have laughed at the thought.
  CJP and I talked to each other every day.  Each evening at 9pm he would call me and we would talk for hours.  During the day we would text and call each other also.  Our lives began to revolve around each other.  The distance on where we lived from each other was an hour and a half away but it did not matter.  Each weekend he would come stay with me or I would go to his house.  I began to get to know his children and family and he began to get to know mine.  We both have a strong sense of family and our lives became a series of dates and get togethers with each other and with our mutual families. 
  CJP is a romantic.  I would find lovely cards hidden in my car, mail or in my apartment.  Each day I looked forward to the surprises he would shower me with. 
  Every kiss brought butterflies to my tummy and I began to fall deeply in love with CJP.  
  I had never felt the kind of love that CJP was bringing into my life.  I thought that this type of love was something that was in the movies and did not exist in real life.  I had to pinch myself to make sure that by anwering an online ad I was given the gift of love, friendship and mutual respect.  God had answered my prayers by bringing this man into my life.
  My favorite movie is an old film called "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with Audrey Hepburn.  The local shelter was having a fundraiser and showing the movie at the Crest Theater.  I invited CJP to attend the movie fundraiser with me and he gladly accepted.  He told me that he had never seen the movie and would love to go with me as long as we could have a date night the next night.  Of course I said yes.  On the night of the fundraiser everyone was encouraged to wear their favorite little black dress and a  tiara if you had one.  We went to the fundraiser with my daughter and best friend.  The four of us had a great time  and I was so happy to share my favorite movie with my love.
  The next night CJP took me out to dinner to Mortons Steak House.  When we arrived the resturant, the manager said our table was not ready and offered to buy us drinks in the bar.  I looked around the resturant and saw empty tables but the offer of a free drink sounded great.  Soon we were seated and the waiter began telling us about a wonderful chocolate dessert that took extra time to prepare and that we should order it with our dinner.  I stated that it seemed like it would be too much food, but CJP insisted we should have a special treat.  The service at the resturant was impeccable and we chatted over dinner about different topics. The conversation never lagged and I was enjoying everything about our dinner.   The food, the ambiance and of course the company.  CJP asked if I enjoyed the movie we had seen the previous night.  I said yes.  He then asked if remembered the part of the movie when George Peppared asked Audrey Hepburn if the Brazialian man had asked her the 4 majic words? I gushed that Audrey Hepburn character was named Holly go Lightly and the magic words were "Will you marry me?" and I turned to look at CJP.  As I turned to look at him he was holding a ring box with a beautiful ring.  He said "Will you marry me?"  I began to cry tears of joy and said yes.  CJP slipped the ring on my finger and suddenly the resturant manager was taking our picture of the special moment.   We hugged and kissed and I told him I wanted to tell my daughters.  CJP said that he had called my daughters a week before and told him he was not asking permission to marry me but letting them know he was going to ask me to marry him.  He had also called his daughters.  Everyone knew accept me!  We called our family and they were excited that I said yes and that we were going to get married. 
   We set the date for 8/11/12.  CJP said he did not want to get married in Reno and wanted me to have the wedding I never had.  I was thrilled.
  With the help of my girlfriends, daughters and daughters to be we began to plan our wedding.  One of my bestfriends agreed to become a minister so she could marry us.
My youngest daughter and other best friend volunteered to be bridesmaids.  CJP's granddaughters were our flower girls.  His grandson was the ring bearer and his son in laws were the groomsmen.
  So many people stepped up to make our wedding beautiful.  A friend made our cake, another friend put together people to help decorate Masonic Lodge.  The wedding was more beautiful then I could imagine.
  I am now married to my best friend.  Each day is a blessing and I thank God that he brought this man into my life. 
We have been married for 6 months now.  We went on a fantastic honeymoon that included a weeks stay in Puerto Rico and another week on a cruise.  I fall deeper in love with him each day.

  Life has a funny way of throwing curves....we have been happily married when an old friend stepped back into my life.  During a shower I noticed a lump in my stomach.  I let my doctor know and he ordered a CT scan.    The results came back Thrusday afternoon...8 hours after the scan.  The oncologist simply said that the cancer that was under control has come back.  My lungs have quite a few small spots.  I have been crying ever since hearing the news.. I wanted to be healthy for the man who has given me more happiness then I could ever imagine.  Telling him I had cancer in my lungs was heartbreaking.  CJP took the news very well.  We hugged and as I cried into his shoulder he said don't worry, you are not going anywhere...so now instead of learning to date...I will have to learn to become a cancer fighter..to become strong...........