Jack has been the one constant person throughout this journey. He calls and emails daily and we have seen each other or a regular basis even though he lives an hour away. I find myself thinking about him throughout my day. He opens doors, is funny, and has a kind heart. The other day I attended a funeral of a good friend's daughter. I am not a fan of funerals and told him so, therefore on that day he sent an email and called to see how I was at the end of the day. A small gesture that touched my heart.
Jack even invited me to his house one evening and cooked me a wonderful dinner. He would not accept any help, and made BBQ cedar plank salmon. I have never had any man cook me dinner and I was married for over 20 years. It was delicious and felt wonderful that he did everything he could to make my night special.
We all are all our worst critics, and I know my faults, but Jack constantly compliments me, and makes me feel pretty. He does everything I imagined I wanted before I started this online journey. I pinch myself to make sure I am not imagining or am not dreaming this...but so far Jack has been a refreshing addition to my life. I hate to think this but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and something wrong stands out. So far nothing has stood out.
I come with a lot of baggage. I was married to an abusive alcoholic husband for 20 years so I do not trust easily. I made myself a promise that I would not settle for anything less than what I wanted and would be honest with about my past, so that anyone I dated knew the reasons I am not quick to give out my phone number or address. My health is another problem. I have SLE Lupus and also have Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma a blood cancer. I tire easily and some days my body is racked with pain.
Some men can not handle illness and think you are broken because you tolerated an abusive relationship. I have dealt with my issues with a therapist and am learning to love myself again. My weight has always been an issue as I take steroids for the Lupus so I am not a Barbie. With all this, Jack still finds me attractive and it is amazing that I found him on a dating site.
I like him, I can even say I have a crush on him. I want to spend more and more time with him and in my mind can see going on small trips in the future.
To my friends I teased that I never got a big wedding and the whole reason I wanted to date again was so that I could have the long princess dress, the bridesmaids and all the trappings of a wedding that I never had. As silly as it seems, I want to have that. The fact that I have cancer and live like each day could be my last makes me want to have my dreams come true. Fantasizing that Jack could be the one is something I have found myself doing a lot lately. Then the realist sets in and I know that this is a good man, and that I have never had a good man before it is easy to project all my dreams on him. Right now I should be happy that I have found someone that makes me feel special and cared about, but a girl can dream. It does not hurt to dream that Jack could be the real deal.........but I know that I am just not used to having a man treat me well. I am falling in like with Jack and that is scary.
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