Risking your heart

I have been dating one man that I met online.  He is funny, kind and we seem to mesh nicely.  It seems too good to be true.  My last relationship with a man, I was blinded to his faults and settled.  Now I feel if I allow myself to fall for this man, I risk pain and heartache.  Perhaps one must risk their heart in order to find true love......but I don't want to risk my heart.  Too much pain from the past is still so close by.  When does risking your heart have a happy ending? 

I think I like somebody

  I feel like I am 16 again and all the nervousness that comes with dating at that age.  I have been seeing different men for coffee and dinner dates but have been seeing one man on a regular basis.  He has been referred as my Cracker Jack prize man in an earlier blog.  I will now just call him Jack. (Names have been changed to save me embarrassment.)
 Jack has been the one constant person throughout this journey.  He calls and emails daily and we have seen each other or a regular basis even though he lives an hour away.  I find myself thinking about him throughout my day.   He opens doors, is funny, and has a kind heart.  The other day I attended a funeral of a good friend's daughter.  I am not a fan of funerals and told him so, therefore on that day he sent an email and called to see how I was at the end of the day.  A small gesture that touched my heart. 
  Jack even invited me to his house one evening and cooked me a wonderful dinner.  He would not accept any help, and made BBQ cedar plank salmon.  I have never had any man cook me dinner and I was married for over 20 years.  It was delicious and felt wonderful that he did everything he could to make my night special. 
  We all are all our worst critics, and I know my faults, but Jack constantly compliments me, and makes me feel pretty.  He does everything I imagined I wanted before I started this online journey.  I pinch myself to make sure I am not imagining or am not dreaming this...but so far Jack has been a refreshing addition to my life.  I hate to think this but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and something wrong stands out.  So far nothing has stood out.
  I come with a lot of baggage.  I was married to an abusive alcoholic husband for 20 years so I do not trust easily.  I made myself a promise that I would not settle for anything less than what I wanted and would be honest with about my past, so that anyone I dated knew the reasons I am not  quick to give out my phone number or address.  My health is another problem.  I have SLE Lupus and also have Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma a blood cancer.   I tire easily and some days my body is racked with pain. 
  Some men can not handle illness and think you are broken because you tolerated an abusive relationship.  I have dealt with my issues with a therapist and am learning to love myself again.  My weight has always been an issue as I take steroids for the Lupus so I am not a Barbie.  With all this, Jack still finds me attractive and it is amazing that I found him on a dating site. 
  I like him, I can even say I have a crush on him.  I want to spend more and more time with him and in my mind can see going on small trips in the future. 
  To my friends I teased that I never got a big wedding and the whole reason I wanted to date again was so that I could have the long princess dress, the bridesmaids and all the trappings of a wedding that I never had.  As silly as it seems, I want to have that.  The fact that I have cancer and live like each day could be my last makes me want to have my dreams come true.  Fantasizing that Jack could be the one is something I have found myself doing a lot lately.  Then the realist sets in and I know that this is a good man, and that I have never had a good man before it is easy to project all my dreams on him.  Right now I should be happy that I have found someone that makes me feel special and cared about, but a girl can dream.  It does not hurt to dream that Jack could be the real deal.........but I know that I am just not used to having a man treat me well.  I am falling in like with Jack and that is scary.

 
 

Juggling dates...

No one told me that dating was going to be such hard work.  I did not expect to spend over an hour answer filtering through emails, shopping for new wardrobe items and doing all the things needed to look good daily for my numerous coffee,lunch and dinner dates.
  The prep work done, chatting online, or on the phone is also taking a big part of my life.  I feel I have started a new job and everyday is job orientation.  I have learned so much on what I want and what is unacceptable.  The perks have been free meals and sometimes some interesting conversation.
  Last week was a busy week,  I have been talking  everyday to my cracker jack prize date.  I actually get butterflies when I see his number on my caller ID.  My fear is that if I don't continue to test these dating waters some more, if things don't work out I will have to start this process all over again.  In the mean time, Last week I had 4 dates. 
  Date number one was coffee with "the farmer".  I met him on the paid site and after numerous guided communications we finally got to the regular email conversation and he gave me his number.  He lives on a working farm and raises everything from chickens to cows.  We agreed to meet for coffee and I truly had no idea what to expect.
He entered the Starbucks and I immediately recognized him.  He had on a John Deer cap and a plaid shirt.  We greeted each other and I thought I smelled something funny, but attributed it to all the people that were around us.  We ordered coffee, and that odor still lingered in the air.  I finally said, do you smell something?  He said no, and we continued to talk.  At one point the coffee shop filled with people got a little loud.  I leaned in so I could hear him say something and the smell hit me in the face.  The odor I was smelling was him.  It was a mixture of body odor and farm smells.  I tried not to show my disgust on my face, but this was really no bueno!!!  He began to tell me about how he never used deodorant or cologne.  He felt a person's natural scent spoke for them.  He natual scent told me he needed to rethink his hygiene habits.  On a hot day, if you have worked with farm animals it came accross as such an unpleasent odor. 
I made one of my excuses, promise to call and I left.  Mental note, make sure that the man you date has same hygiene standards as you have.
  That evening I had a dinner date with my cracker jack prize fellow.  Again it was like visiting with an old friend and time flew by.  We made plans to see each other again, and when  we parted, I actually missed him.
  The next day I had a lunch date with "retired military vato man".  He was from the
Domincan Republic so we had the fact that we were both from the Carribean in common.
  We met at a local hamburger place.  He was wearing clothing I like to decribe as old school.  If you have seen the movie with Benjamin Bratt where he lives in San Francisco and has a estranged relationship with his son,  he was just like that.  The dark sunglasses, and "vato" attired. 
  He was handsome and I kept thinking he would be cuter if he did not have a goatee.  Even though he was from DR he had been raised in Los Angeles so he was more old school than I originally thought.   We had a nice time.  I thought I could be friends with this man.  Then he told me how he had a messy divorce, and really hated being single.
He thought I was pretty and would make a great wife... WHOA...we just met and he was suggesting this.  It was amusing on how he felt we had instant chemistry, and how he wanted me to meet his children and brother.  He kept flatterring with compliments and asked if I believed in love at first site.  I told him that I felt that was a myth, that true love had to be nutured and any relationship had to be entered into slowly.  His face looked so disappointed.  I assured him I would like to continue our friendship.  That made him happy.  The next day he emailed me all of his numbers, even his work number just in case I needed to get in contact.  I had another date to get ready for, so I saved the info and thought about what I was going to wear the next day.

  I am loving life right now.  The men I have met have made me laugh, smile, fed me and given me lots to think about.  I have decided to space my dates out better so I do not feel so rushed.........but am looking forward to see who I am going to meet next.

 

Cracker Jack Prize

Do you remember when we were little and Cracker Jacks actually had a prize?  You would not only get that great carmel popcorn but the best part was the surprise prize you would find towards the end of the box.  I used to always hope for a small toy or ring.....years past and now when you get a box of Cracker Jacks, you get a sticker or rub on tattoo.  Such a dispointment if you have memories of the past .
  Dating is like the old box of  Cracker Jacks, you never know what you are going to get until you meet the person and sometimes its a real prize and most times it is just a not so fun sticker. 
  I met Stan on one of the free sites.  His pictures showed a smiling man in his mid 50's that had a kind face.  We started chatting online and then it progressed to phone calls.  I started looking forward to his calls, though to be honest he lived an hour  away, so other than calls I did not have the hope that we would meet.  It was a bittersweet friendship.
  On one of our calls, he offered to  drive the hour to take me to lunch.  I was excited but felt a little bit guilty because if there was no chemistry, he would have had made a long trip.  I gladly acceppted and we made plans to meet in the late afternoon at the resturant of my choice. 
  I chose a resturant that was nice but casual, not too far from my home, one where I knew the menu and hoped he would find something that he liked. 
  On that Saturday, I spent the morning pampering myself, making sure my hair looked good, make up was perfect and I had on a cute outfit.  It was really the first warm day we had here, so my outfit not only had to be cute, but cool.
  After I was ready, I sat and waited for the date time, growing more nervous by the minute,  About an hour before our date time he called and said he was here, the drive did not take as long as he thought.  He wondered if I was ready and would like to start va little earlier.  My answer was of course, to be honest I could barely control my excitement.
  I drove to the resturant, and there outside was the smiling face I had seen in pictures.
He smelled great, and after the intial hellos, felt like we were off to a good start.
We talked over lunch, and I realized  we had been at the table for 2 hours, chatting about anything and everything.  The waiter came by to check on us, most likely wanting his table back, and asked if were going to Second Saturday Art walk. Stan, did not know what Second Saturday was and once I explained it was like an evening downtown were galleries opened up and sometimes there was live music, he asked if I would like to go.  I had enjoyed our meal so much and was not ready to end it so I accepted the invite gladly. 
  We walked through downtown chatting and looking at artwork and just enjoying the sites and sounds.  When we had done the route and finished up, he said he was not ready to end our date, so we decided to sit at an outside lounge and have a drink and people watch.  I never drink, so the drink I had lasted  over an hour and our conversation was nonstop.  We laughed, shared more stories of our past and this date was really the first one I felt great about.  Again, our long stay at the lounge was interrupted by a server who clearly wanted us to drink more or leave the table so he could have a table that was spending more money.  Stan stated again he was having such a nice time, would I mind doing something else.  We decided to go play pool.
  We played pool for several hours and finally I told him I hated to break up the evening but he had a long drive home.  Stan agreed but also said he wanted to see me again.

I told him my theory about relating dating to the prize in the box of cracker jacks.  As we said our goodbyes......he asked one last thing.....am I a good prize or am I a sticker?  As I giggled, I told him he was definitely not a sticker, but a prize.  Finally after going through all the stickers, I had found a prize.

Kiki learns to Date: My name is Kiki and I am learning to date again

Kiki learns to Date: My name is Kiki and I am learning to date again: " My name is Kiki and after leaving a bad marriage of 20 something years that ended in being a widow rather than divorce, I have decided to ..."

Lets webcam

Everyday is a new adventure with online dating.  Every morning after I read my regular emails, I begin to read the emails from the various online dating site.  Jordan's email caught my eye.  He had various pics of himself and in one he was at the Airport with the TV personality Mario Lopez.   Jordan had been divorced for 8 years now, shared custody of his 10 year old son and wrote lovely emails.  After a few emails, we began taliking on the phone.  He was witty and very polite.  He asked me out to coffee but I had another committment and had to say no.  Jordan was understanding and we made plans to meet on the following Saturday.  He like to call in the early evening, and our conversations would sometimes last for hours.  He asked if I had a full body picture and I said no, and stressed that I was a full figured woman.  I did not want to mislead him.  The only full body pictures that I had were with my children and I was not going to put their pictures online.  I already felt uncomfortable with my pic online.
  I told Jordan my reasoning and he seemed to be ok with that.  One evening I had a long day and as I was crawling into bed in my Pajamas, my phone rang.  It was Jordan.  He asked what I was up to and I told him I was on my way to bed.  He started using terms of endearment, like honey, sweetie and baby.  I have never been a fan of baby, because I am a grown woman and it just felt demeaning.  He asked if I was near my laptop, and I asked why?  Jordan stated he posted some new pics and wanted me to see them.  My body was tired and I tried to say I would check them out in the morning...but he kept insisting that I see them immediately.  He said "Baby won't you please be a sweetie and do this for me?"  Slightly annoyed I agreed to turn on my laptop and see the new pics.  There was one new pic probably 10 years old...I did not understand the urgency for me to see this pic.  He then asked if I had a webcam on my laptop.  I said yes, I had used it to take my own pic.  Jordan then said sweetie, I would love to see your smile, can you turn it on?  I had no makeup on, was in my granny jammies and frankly was not real comfortable with the way this conversation was going.  I told him it made me feel wierd.  He apologized and said that he was so fascinated with me that he would just like to see a real image instead of the pic on my profile.  I finally agreed after I pulled the blankets under my chin.  As the webcam went on, his smiling face appeared on my screen and I could see a smaller image on the left corner of me on the bottom of the screen.  He asked why I was under the covers......and if I could stand up so he could see a full body image.  Now I was really annoyed.  I told him that I was going to shut off the cam and I was not happy.  He tried to apologized but got really mad when I turned off the webcam.  Jordan stated he was a good man and I was a prude.  I stated perhaps I was, but this prude was not about to put on a show for him.
I hung up the phone, went to my cell phone carrier website and blocked his number. 

Lesson learned, don't ever let someone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do.  My webcam, will only be used to take pics of me.  

Hands on date

  My determination to find a friend and maybe something more was not discouraged by the two previous dates.  My mind was made up that somewhere out there was someone who I could connect with on various levels.  I started noticing a pattern on the flakeir men, they always wanted to know too much personal information about body size and parts and this was a red flag that this person was not someone I could date.
  Then came Ben.  He was so funny with his emails.  We exchanged numbers and had long conversations that were filled with laughter.  I thought, wow this guy is great.  I looked at his picture and he was not someone I would be drawn to, but his personality was wonderful.  He invited me out for a burger and a drink, and I got up the nerve to go.
  We made plans to meet outside the resturant and he was on time.  He gave me hug and his in person personality seemed to match the online and phone persona.  Over dinner we discovered we had more in common then we thought.  I felt so comfortable with him.
  He invited back to his place to watch a dvd, but I declined.  I was not ready yet.  I told him, I was sorry but I was not even willing to let him know where I lived yet, so going to his place was not going to happen this quickly.  He seemed to understand.
  For the next few weeks, we talked on the phone daily and went out for a few more meals.  On one night he invited me out for ice cream and I gladly accepted.  The question to see a dvd afterwards came up again.  I sat there debating if I was ok with this and got carried away in the moment.  I followed him to his home in a nice part of town and he seemed to have the typical guy home.  Decorated with guy things a just a bit messy. 
  He lit candles, and put the movie in.  We sat on the sofa, and to be honest, I felt like I was 16 again.  So nervous to be in a man's apartment. 
  Ben seemed to be a perfect gentlemen at first.  He offered me something to drink and was behaving.  Then suddenly it happened.  He said he was getting more water, and did the old sneak a kiss thing.  All of the sudden I was trapped in his arms.  I don't think I would have minded a small peck but this seemed way too aggressive. 
I pushed him away, said I was not ready to go there and he just smiled.  We started watching the movie again and the hands began to creep again.  Again I was trapped in his arms and feeling like a trapped animal pushing him off me. 
He was not so understanding this time.  He got a little angry, asking what was I expecting since I agreed to go to his place.  I told him, I was expecting him to act like a gentlemen and that we were honestly going to watch that movie.  Ben had other plans.  He said afterall, he had bought a few dinners etc, and perhaps I just needed to relax and go with the flow. 
I started to leave and at the door was again trapped in his massive embrace.  He kept saying he could feel the connection between us....all I could feel was how difficult it was to get out of this embrace.

Finally I told him, to stop, and he actually asked me if I meant it.  I told him I was going to leave and yes I meant it.  As I left his house he followed he out asking me to come back and he would make everything better.  I got into my car locking the door and headed for home, thinking......geez is there any decent men out there?  So far  I have not found one,  but there are still over 100 emails to answer.

Did you forget to tell me something?

  As I had stated earlier, cyber dating is hard.  Each day I recieved a bunch of emails from different men, most stating what a great smile I had or some other compliment.  I decided that I would not answer anyone who did not have a picture attached to a profile. But of course I broke my own rule when a lovely email came from a man named Bobby.  His emais were witty and interesting.  He was the age I was looking for and we seemed to have the same interests.  I told him that I needed a picture and he said he would email it to me because he worked for the IRS and did not post his picture online.  That seemed reasonable.  So I gave him my email address and within minutes he sent his picture.  He was handsome, looked like someone I could be friends with.  Each morning, I started looking forward to his emails.  He would email several times a day, Bobby was very respectful and I felt a friendship beginning over the countless emails he sent. 
  After 2 weeks of emailing I noticed a pattern.  He would never email after 4pm and he never emailed on the weekends.  He suggested meeting, but always in the near future, something different than the other men who were writing.   
  One day as I was watching my well hidden addiction to Days of our Lives the soap opera,  A fleeting thought went through my mind, this man was married.  The way he acted, was just like the men on the Days of our Lives who were married and cheating!
  When I recieved an email after watching EJ flirting with Taylor on my favorite soap, I answered it with the question........Are you married?   A return email came back almost immediately, asking if I was married, or maybe a Cougar or Scam Artist.   This was far from the flatterring emails that he had sent. 
  I sent him back a response, saying I was not married, but a widow,  and if he thought I was a Cougar, I was flattered......that was kind of a compliment, yet we were the same age.  And no I was not a scam artist, but he was acting like one.

  He then responded with an email, saying he was so sorry, he was married.  He was so unhappy in his marriage, and writing me with the hopes of meeting me was getting him through his awful situation.  He apologized that he lied, but thought I would not want to be involved with a married man.  He said he was not in a physical relationship with his wife so he felt it was ok to look for love until he could divorce. 
  And they say soap operas were a waste of time,  EJ and Taylor taught me how a married man acted when he was cheating.  
  I sat and reread all the emails.  This man had started to stir feelings in me that I had forgotten.  On paper he was perfect.  He seemed to be everything I wanted.  The catch was I did not want a liar, and did not want another womans husband. 
  Writing him back that I did not want to keep in contact with him anymore was a little sad.  I felt stupid for not figuring it out sooner and falling for his lies.  Bobby responded by email after email pleading with me to reconsider.  My response was always the same, No.  I finally blocked his emails, a little wiser for the experience, but afterall, there was still hundreds of emails to answer.  Perhaps there was a knight in shining armor out there,......or maybe not. 

I answered an email

The first day after posting my profile on the four websites, I was literally overwhelmned with email notifications that I had either recieved a message or someone had looked at my profile.  I was amazed at the amount.  This was going to be a lot of work to check out everything that was being sent to me. 
  The free sites were the busiest.  On one site the first day I recieved over 30 messages and flirts. It was like being crowned homecoming queen.  I was very popular or at least I thought I was.  I began to read the messages and the delete button became a handy tool. Some men wanted to have a full body picture, as soon as possiable.  I listed I was full figured but they wanted to know how full figured I was.  Another term was introduced to me thru one message from a fellow named of Joe.  He proudly stated he was a "chubby chaser."  It was not hard to figure out that this man liked overwieght women.  He was eager to meet as he put it, his chubby queen as soon as possiable.  Not sure what to think of this, I timidly answered his email.  I was overwieght afterall.  Maybe this was a good start.   We exchanged several emails, carefully keeping where I lived a secret.  My thought was I did not want a stranger showing up at my door.
He then wanted to talk on the phone.  To hear the voice behind the picture,  I told him I was ok with that but I would call him.  I wanted to block my number just in case this chubby chaser was not Mr. Right.   Joe had several pictures of himself on his profile.  He had a close up of his face and then some in places where he had traveled.  What I did not know he had traveled to these places over 10 years ago. 
Our first conversation was pleasent.  He seemed nice on the phone,  He was witty but the insistance of a full body picture always came up.  I told him that I did not like taking pictures of myself and he knew I was full figured so that would have to satisfy his curiousity.  After several phone conversations, I agreed to meet him.  I chose a Starbucks on the other side of town and we made a date to meet. 
  Jitters set in as I carefully got ready for my coffee date with Joe.  Meeting someone who I had only seen pictures of and talked on the phone with was pretty scary.  Self doubt was starting to settle in.  After all I had only shown him a head shot, what if he did not like my body shape.  It felt like I was 15 again, worried if that pimple on my check was noticable.
  Joe worked as a hair dresser.  His pictures showed that he was very trendy looking.  In his picture he had a mohawk, looked thin and kind of cute.  He stated that he was of average build and wieght.  He said he played guitar in a band and also for his church.  I told him that my picture was current, and of course I was no Barbie, but not a Barney either. 
  I entered the coffee shop and looked around.  I did not see anyone who looked like the pictures I had seen.  After buying a cup of coffee, I seated myself in a place where I could see the parking lot and front door.  We had agreed to meet at 6pm.  I was right on time and as I sat there fidgeting with my hair, I noticed a man walking across the parking lot with a mohawk.  He was not as thin as his pictures had shown.  In fact he was a lot rounder and shorter.  I am 5'4" and as this man approached it struck me that he was shorter than I.  This was not a good start.
  Joe entered the coffee shop and quickly recognized me.  I stood up to greet him and I had been correct.  He was at least a couple of inches shorter than me.  I noticed that the black hair that his pictured depicted was a mixture of black and gray.  His closely shaved mustach was also more gray than black.  His profile pictures did not match.
He must have been sporting this look for quite awhile because the pictures must have been taken 15 years ago.  What he also did not mention in our previous conversations, was that he was living with his parents, had been in jail and was once addicted to Meth.  Funny how these facts escaped his memory earlier, but when I told him that I valued intergrity, he told me all about his life.  I think he thought by telling me all the gory details, I would find him more attractive. But he was not my knight in shining armor, more like my worst nightmare.  He kept saying he felt chemistry between us, I just felt a little quesy.  I told a small white lie that I had to pick up my daughter from her night class at the local college, and bid him farewell.  He got up to hug me and tried to move in for a kiss, but my quick reaction moved away just before I was trapped in his embrace.  Leaving the parking lot, I took the long way home, checking my mirrors.......I just felt a little paranoid. 
  I looked at this first date as a lesson.  It was not a bad expierence but I learned what I was not looking for, mainly someone who was not honest about their past.  Though I am sure he is living a clean and sober life, I did not want someone with a criminal past.  I am not looking for perfection, just someone who might have traffic tickets on his record not felony charges.
 
 

My name is Kiki and I am learning to date again

  My name is Kiki and after leaving a bad marriage of 20 something years that ended in being a widow rather than divorce, I have decided to enter the dating world.  Being a 40 something full figured woman who has not dated since gasoline was .98 cents a gallon taking on this challenge definitely needs documenting.  So follow me on my journey to trying find companship and hopefully love in this new world.
  It should be stated that I do not smoke nor drink, so going to bars or clubs did feel like something I could do.  After speaking to a dating expert, my 20 something daughter, it was agreed that I should wet my feet by signing up for different dating sites. 
  Dating sites are not cheap and wanting to succeed at this endeavor I decided to sign up for one paid site and three free sites.  I posted the exact same profile on each site and my journey began.
  In order to ready myself for dating, I cut and colored my hair.  It was an easy fix while trying to hit the gym more to shape up.  Wearing makeup each day and dressing nicely even when I planned to stay home were my goals.  This seemed like a perfect start.  I took my picture using my webcam and chose the one that I felt was the best one.  Mentally I began to think what kind of man I would be attracted to.  I have never really  been a person who only looked at the outside but needed and wanted  someone who could laugh and carry a conversation.  Race and Religion was not a consideration, but having a job was.  I was not going to be someone's sugamama!
  After posting my profile on the sites, I was surprised at the number of views and emails that some sites brought in.  I was flattered that my profile was getting looked at so much and how many messages I was recieving.  Some messages  were great, full of compliments and some where not so great.  
  I had to learn the lingo of this strange new world of online dating.  Phrases like "Activity partner" and  "420 Friendly" were like a strange new language.  To be honest my friend GOOGLE was used to find out what they meant and when I learned that "Activity Partner meant someone looking for sex, and "420 friendly" was not a man looking for a Big Beautiful woman but in fact that someone who was open to smoking marijuana.  This boogled my mind.  Did people really put this kind of stuff out there?  I was and am naive.   I could not believe the things and picture that men posted.  I was even surprised at the married men that were looking for companionship because they said they were unhappy.    I only knew this was not the dating scene I remembered from my youth.  It was a lot harsher, cruder and so much harder.  There was not a knight in shining armor an email away, willing to sweep me off my feet with honesty, morality and intergrity........more like Joe Somebody who wanted to show me pictures of his chest and ask how big my chest was...;)